Journal - Last One for a Bit

I'm feeling a bit sheepish about some of the things I've said in the past week. A lot sheepish. I know for sure now that she isn't here and reading these. But still. I just, I dunno.

I feel like I need to shut up for a bit. Lol.

This isn't me “stopping” again. I guess I've tried enough times to know by now that it's senseless to pretend I won't be writing anymore. But… I need to collect my thoughts, privately, for a bit. Reassemble myself into the reasonable, sensible person I usually am. So. I'm going to shut up. Just for a bit. While I do that. Maybe until after the next time I see her. Maybe not. I dunno.

But one thing… I think I was wrong. The stuff I said about the sting of it all pushing me back… In the moment, that was certainly true. And the stuff about why it's hard for me to open up is also true. Hell, I got made fun of for being too cheesy after thinking something was sweet just the day after I wrote about it. That shit is real, and hard to defeat after twenty years (that said… I've decided to stop hiding it there, too… my wife can make fun of me for being cheesy all she wants. I'm through with hiding myself. If there's a silver lining to this ordeal, maybe it's that).

But still.

I think I was wrong. Now, with the benefit of having come out the other side of my little dark tunnel that I crafted for myself…

I think maybe I'm more ready to open up to her than I was before.

Because, what hurt more, really? Her doing a post about a nice night out? Or the uncertainty?

It was the uncertainty.

Her actions were fine. She did nothing wrong. Her timing… Iffy. But not wrong.

But if I knew, really truly knew, where we stood with each other… then there would have been no problem.

And, frankly… maybe she just thought that I did know. Because we did just have that conversation. And I didn't see this until later, but… she clicked “like” on a reference I made to our night together a few weeks ago, just hours before doing her post. Arguably, I should have known.

A huge goal of mine is to spend my life with her. But my primary goal is to just get to be around her, as much as humanly possible. Right now, and possibly forever… that means being ok with her going out and enjoying her time with her husband. And I am, mostly. I get it.

I need to let her celebrate it, as well, if she wants or needs to. And it may even just be that she wants to. And I need to be ok with that, too.

I don't quite know yet how to turn it around like… Well, she did another post a few weeks ago. Showing appreciation to her husband for something. It bothered me when I saw it at 3am, but in retrospect, I think it was only because I saw it at 3am. I actually sort of love that post now. It encapsulates several of the things I love about her. How appreciative she is. How expressive her face, is, lol (god, I was thinking about her smile the other day… I always say I love it, and I do, but the thing is… she has a million different smiles, and every single one of them is so beautiful and makes me so happy to see…). A gifting preference of hers. Books. Books. Books. And in the end, that post of hers made me love her even more. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that with posts like her one from the other night, but… Well, I guess maybe I don't have to. But I do need to be okay with them. I have to be.

God, I just love her so, so much. I need to figure out how to manage myself better.

And I know that the thing that would help the most is more clarity. For both of us.

So I take it back. I'm not going to go back into hiding. I don't quite know yet what to say or do, but… I will be opening up to her more. I will continue to try to let myself be vulnerable to her. It's the only way to move forward.

And I want to move forward very, very much.

Wish me luck.